Confessions of the Mind

Wow -- it's been a long time since I've posted anything on here. No one reads it anyway. So it's all mine, mine, mine to indulge my thinking. And indulge I have not done lately. With a baby and busy schedule, my brain is shriveled and sunken into the crevices of my skull.

But today, I will blog like it mattered to someone.

The ladies and I were talking about what quality of God's we have the hardest time accepting. My answer was His forgiveness. Oh, I know He forgives...He forgives and forgives and forgives and forgives. But it's too easy to say, "I can do it just this one time because God will forgive me," and continue doing it more times thereafter.

So I have a confession. A confession of the mind. Now look here, I will not post it, because I have not even vocalized it, and as a result, I guess I have not fully asked for forgiveness...maybe I'm not even sorry. Oh yes, I am. But I will explain why my confession leads me to not believe God can forgive me.

I call it "my one thing" -- the event(s) that occur to draw me farther from God and accept His forgiveness. It's not He who can't forgive me; it's I who can't forgive myself. So in not being able to verbally confess my sins, I can't forgive myself and I can't accept that God should forgive me; therefore, this lie that I am enslaved to causes me to believe that I am not worthy to be forgiven.

I need to face up to it. Deal with it. Confess it. Live with the truth that I lived a lie. And accept that God has already forgiven, so I can proceed to forgive myself. And finally heal after all these years...as I return Home.

Small steps...small steps first.