What could've been
I caught a glimpse of what my life would've been like ... and I felt a peace and curiousity.
Peace because I suppose it wasn't meant to be ... it wasn't meant for me.
Curiousity because I wonder if I would've been very good at that life. At being his wife.
I don't eat squirrel. I don't know how to cook fish. I can't kill chickens. I would've made a terrible daughter-in-law. And to some Hmong families, a good daughter-in-law is a trophy the whole family gets to wave around in public and brag about.
I'm really not the domesticated type. Dave reminds me of that all the time ... yet, he knew that about me when he married me. I don't yell at him about the cars needing maintenance or the trash needs taking out. But he likes to remind me all the time about what a terrible wife I am ... and that I should be like other wives. Going as far as naming the ladies too. Yeah, buddy, that's really gonna get me to do stuff for you.
I don't know why I hate domesticated stuff. Maybe this isn't the life for me. Maybe I'm not cut out for wife things. I think I'm a great mom ... but I just have to keep things in order, have fun and make sure Toccoa is learning. I don't have time to balance being a wife on top of that. And I hardly have time to find time to like myself these days.
So lately I've thought about what could've been ... should I have been that lonely self-martyr I always thought I'd die young as? Life is pretty easy now because I hardly do anything, but had I married young, would I have been a better wife than I am today, or would I have hated my life of wife and daughter-in-law slavery?
I don't know. I wish I gave a crap. And maybe ... that'll be my downfall.
Peace because I suppose it wasn't meant to be ... it wasn't meant for me.
Curiousity because I wonder if I would've been very good at that life. At being his wife.
I don't eat squirrel. I don't know how to cook fish. I can't kill chickens. I would've made a terrible daughter-in-law. And to some Hmong families, a good daughter-in-law is a trophy the whole family gets to wave around in public and brag about.
I'm really not the domesticated type. Dave reminds me of that all the time ... yet, he knew that about me when he married me. I don't yell at him about the cars needing maintenance or the trash needs taking out. But he likes to remind me all the time about what a terrible wife I am ... and that I should be like other wives. Going as far as naming the ladies too. Yeah, buddy, that's really gonna get me to do stuff for you.
I don't know why I hate domesticated stuff. Maybe this isn't the life for me. Maybe I'm not cut out for wife things. I think I'm a great mom ... but I just have to keep things in order, have fun and make sure Toccoa is learning. I don't have time to balance being a wife on top of that. And I hardly have time to find time to like myself these days.
So lately I've thought about what could've been ... should I have been that lonely self-martyr I always thought I'd die young as? Life is pretty easy now because I hardly do anything, but had I married young, would I have been a better wife than I am today, or would I have hated my life of wife and daughter-in-law slavery?
I don't know. I wish I gave a crap. And maybe ... that'll be my downfall.
posted by Pazz at 4:03 PM
1 Comments:
I was browsing through your blog and came upon this entry, which reminded me of a few months ago when I ran into someone from my past. It sent me on a 15-year journey into my past--to the time when I was a self-righteous, hypocritical, and pompous teenager who displayed a false pretense of who she really was to the world. And do you know how that made me feel? Disgusted. I look back at who I was in high school, and I can't believe some of the things I did and the way I behaved. It makes me ashamed to have ever lived like that, and, as a result, feels like it has become a distant part of my life...so distant that I can't identify with it...that it doesn't even feel like it was ever a part of this life that I'm currently living. I look at where I am now and I have NO longings whatsoever to go back and relive those days.
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