Taking a Walk

As part of my 2012 to-do list, I'm suppose to go through Toccoa's 5 years' worth of stuffs and organize them. Tonight I got them all out and hole-punched my old journal entries and emails I had regarding Toccoa - the time I was pregnant and the first 18 months. Not sure why I stopped; maybe Facebook started taking up too much of my time. :)

But to my surprise, Dave opened up the book and started reading. Taking a walk down memory lane. I hesitated a moment because I'm pretty sure I didn't censor myself when it came to sharing my frustrations about him, so I just warned him, "Please don't be offended if you read anything bad about you in there."

He chuckled some. He made noises. He laughed. He remembered.

It's pretty cool, this whole journaling thing. Sometimes it seems like it might be a waste of time, but it's good to get the thoughts out that don't make sense ... but do later ... and are funny much, much later. I wish I hadn't stopped journaling about Toccoa, but I'm getting back to it now. If not every day, every other or few days. Because I'm pretty sure no one would really care about the little things she does that mean so much to me, I just send myself emails and write as if I'm writing for someone who does care. Well - I do care, which is why I'm writing to myself.

Anyway, I guess I kind of, in an indirect way, hoped Dave would read a little, so he could remember the baby days and maybe long for them again. It's time for baby #2 and it would be so nice if he could reminisce about those days and soften a bit about having another baby.

But I'm glad I kept some kind of account of Toccoa's first years. She really was - and still is - such a great kid.

Little Me ... Big Universe

I feel like I'm all alone. That no one can possibly understand what I'm going through. As if my experiences and feelings I suffer through are most unique in this vast universe. Me vs. Nature. Me vs. Man. Me vs. Self.

I know that's bogus. I'm not the first - nor the last - to suffer through things. But why does it feel like it?

I hate that our finite mind can't extend beyond the invisible walls that surround our Self to lodge itself into someone else's experience so we feel exactly what they're feeling - and honestly say, "I know how you feel." Because, really, we don't. We can only draw from our own personal experiences ... and even then, we can't be 100% certain we know exactly how the person feels.

Then again, I might not want anyone to get a glimpse of my heart ... and see silly things I desire, or the terrible thoughts I think, or muddle through the shameful things that plague me.

There's one thing I always find odd in people's experiences though ... that they never need religion until they really need religion. I'm guilty of it too.

We go in life as the captain of our ship and go where we want, until a big storm comes along and we're stuck tumbling through huge waves and all of a sudden ... we need an intervention. I, the captain, can't figure it out. I, the person running the ship, can't seem to make things work. I, who must have complete control over the navigations in my life, have to surrender to the winds and storms.

But in that midst, if someone could get into this captain's heart, it can be heard calling out ... to someone ... something ... some greater, higher being. As if screaming into the skies would calm the storm. But even though the storm still rages, suddenly a hope sparks within that everything is going to be okay. A voice - heard only in the heart, but just as loud as if someone screamed it - says, "Everything is going to be okay." And rest assured, within time, the winds calm, the storm backs off, and the ship softly dances above the peaceful waters again.

People say they don't need religion. They don't need God. They don't want religion. Or God. And sure, when life is going well, who wants to give credit to someone or something as ridiculous as this unseen, unknown being in the heavens who is an enigma, a force no one will ever come close enough to understanding? But when there are bumps in the road, people are desperate to reach out and grab something to help hold their heads above water.

Maybe that's why there's loneliness in the world. Why I can't feel your pain, or you mine. Why my sympathy and empathy for others can only extend as far as my mind would allow - in my own experiences. Because we are, in a way, meant to be alone. To feel lonely in our experiences. Because if we were needed by others ... or needed others ... to the point we've dissolved our loneliness ... there'd be no need for God in our lives. And like the psalmist says, He walks with us ... then carries us when we need it.

People fight religion in life. "I don't need God. He's not real." But on their death bed, even those people who fought so hard against God in life are fighting to hear from Him too in those last moments - asking for mercy. Calling out, not knowing where the soul will go upon entering eternal sleep ... once the ship has docked for the final time.

And what a very, very lonely thought that could be if you don't know ...

Five years ago today

Five years ago today I had contractions starting at 20 mins apart all day. I had to lay down and give my body some rest. My back was hurting and I didn't know at the time that I was experiencing back labor. I was waiting for pain in my stomach to give some indication I was having contractions.

As the afternoon wore on and I started timing the contractions, they were consistently about 15-20 mins apart. I remember we went out to eat and I said I needed to go walking - so off we went to the mall. It was only January 9 - I'd heard that most first pregnancies might be about a week late, so I didn't expect anythign to happen. But we only walked for about 10 mins and I couldn't go any further. We went home and I started timing the pain again and at that time, it was about 8 mins apart.

Anyway, on and on. Dave went to sleep while I stayed up in my misery. I laid on the chaise and kept track of the time between each pain. When it got to be consistently 5 mins apart, I started thinking maybe I was going to have a baby. But I kept waiting for the pain in my stomach. When it became 2 mins apart, I thought I'd better wake Dave up and get to gittin'. Good thing I didn't wait anymore because once we got inside, the nurse admitted me right away.

And so started a very long night - made slightly better with an epidural.

Then a child was born.

Anyway, today Toccoa is celebrating her last day of being 4. She smiled when I told her she would never be 4 ever again. Isn't it a great thing we are always moving forward in life? :)

To be a dad

It would be great to switch roles for Toccoa's next birthday with Dave.

Y'know, sit back while he plans Toccoa's birthday party from inception to the end, then organize all the toys (not to miss any small pieces, since for some reason Tinkerbell toys have to have 2 centimeter-wide tea sets) ... and put away all the other crap like cupcake containers, wash dishes, etc.

In addition to that, spend a whole day answering a million repeat questions from Toccoa like, "What are we doing today? Where is the party? How many more hours? Is so and so coming to the party?" Oh the non-stop questions!!

And all I have to do is show up at the party and yap with my friends.

That would be soooo great.

I'm not saying Dave's a lazy father or helper - he's a great dady. But like other dads, it just doesn't cross their minds they need to offer their help in party-planning. I asked Dave to get water and he couldn't even get that right the first time. And I sent a photo of pink frosting with a text that I needed WHITE but he came home with pink. Augh!!!

Being a dad is so easy.

Moms have to worry about EVERYTHING. Things in the present and in the future. Taking care of the kids and the house and finances and food, etc. Moms have to worry about the kids first ... and at the same time worry about ourselves to make sure we don't neglect ourselves while balancing all the roles we play of mom, wife, employee, daughter, sister, friend, Self. Unfortunately for me (and Dave), being "wife" is my last priority.

Moms are super humans. All of us. No matter our parenting style or how we choose to live and teach hour kids. We are super humans, because we have the energy to keep going much, much longer past the point when dads give up. Because we can't give up on our kid when they're sick, or fussy, or tired, or throwing embarrassing tantrums in public, or just need to be held.

I salute all the moms out there. For keeping the batteries charged!

A 2012 list

I waste a lot of time on the computer - especially Facebook. I could be more productive, but at the same time, I really don't mind all the time I waste either. :) Life is way too busy and fast so a lot of downtime for myself is a good thing.

Anyway, so to add to time on the computer, I thought I'd make this time productive by both keeping up with my soaps online and writing out my 2012 to-do list.

I'm a list-maker. I prefer to do it the old way too: on paper. And I'm making it public as a way to keep myself accountable. Not that I'll even get it all done - since the last yearly to-do list didn't get completed until a year later. :) But eventually it did get done, so I'm not beating myself up about it. I'll add more on as I remember fears I need to overcome or things I've always wanted to do or hadn't thought to do .. or need to do.

• Find a new place to go hiking.


• Put my head completely under water at least 5 times.


• Have dinner alone.


• Make a new recipe at least once a month (that's 12 new meals this year).


• Organize Toccoa's paper things since birth.


• Send a card or letter to someone once a month through snail mail.


• Keep a daily (weekly if not daily) journal of Toccoa's life. I did this the first year and stopped.


• Organize all my photos and burn to CDs and clean out computer and hard drive files.


• Declutter and get rid of things (everything and everywhere in the house) -- and live simply!!


• Watch my portions.


• Find time to play piano more often.


• Spend quality time with each of my nephews and niece and parents.


• Make a music video of Toccoa singing.


• Take a train ride.


• Go rock climbing.


• Make desserts for Dave at least 3 times (that's just once every 4 months - c'mon, surely I'd be able to pull that off!).


• Take a sewing class ... and make something Toccoa can actually wear.


• Pay off my student loans off before summer.


• Go on a weeklong vegeterian meal plan at least 4 times during the year.


• Cut a pineapple.


• Eat 10 food items I've never eaten before.


• Take Toccoa to 5 new places for tours or museum outing.


• Put monies into a credit union.


• Take a class - any kind of class about anything.

Journey Two

DATE:
Monday, January 2, 2012

TIME:
6:37 a.m.

RECAP:
God knows the desires of your heart - spoken and unspoken - and sometimes He uses dreams to reveal His message to you.