Moving Me Forward
Life likes to shake things up, doesn't it? Just when you're living in complete quiet contentment, something goes awry.
So I'm writing this. My thoughts...jumbled to you perhaps, but they make sense in here - in my head and heart. I'm not hoping for enlightenment or inspiration; just making myself transparent.
My SIL's grandmother passed away, and a few days before I'd gone to see her. She was lying in bed, while her daughter sat next to the bed - crying, engulfed in her sorrow, her cheeks covered with tears. She'd sat by her mother's bed for 2 weeks - watching, willing life to return. I closed the bedroom door and joined the rest of the family. It was like night and day. While the aunt was weeping in the other room, everyone else was screaming, joking, laughing, eating and carrying on as if death wasn't standing at the door.
I resigned myself to the couch - feeling overwhelmed with sadness...and perhaps a bit of self-loathing because it didn't seem right returning to normalcy. It didn't seem fair...that while people were LIVING, grandma was DYING...and their aunt's heart and whole world was breaking into pieces.
It reminded me that life REALLY DOES go on with or without you. People will still live...the sun will still come up...and the hands of time will keep moving...with or without you. With or without ME. The living lives on...life goes on.
Dave and I were talking the day about loneliness. How the best times in our lives still taught us a lot about loneliness, because sometimes in a room full of people, we can still feel so distant and completely alone too. Through our experiences, we've both realized the importance of keeping close the few people who still loved you after a big fight, who are fiercely devoted to you, who don't judge you for your weaknesses and honesty, and who, despite the miles and years of being apart, still have the same emotional connection as the last time you saw each other.
I'm content...living in all the moments of life that give me so much pleasure - though it may be boring to others. But it's absolutely okay with me. I'm holding the two loves of my life, Dave and Toccoa, close to my heart...and making the best of what this life has to offer me.
And if God takes me back Home and life keeps moving on without me, I only hope that though people will still be laughing and carrying on, I would have made a difference to at least one person. And will be remembered, honored and loved.
(Originally written 3/19/09)
So I'm writing this. My thoughts...jumbled to you perhaps, but they make sense in here - in my head and heart. I'm not hoping for enlightenment or inspiration; just making myself transparent.
My SIL's grandmother passed away, and a few days before I'd gone to see her. She was lying in bed, while her daughter sat next to the bed - crying, engulfed in her sorrow, her cheeks covered with tears. She'd sat by her mother's bed for 2 weeks - watching, willing life to return. I closed the bedroom door and joined the rest of the family. It was like night and day. While the aunt was weeping in the other room, everyone else was screaming, joking, laughing, eating and carrying on as if death wasn't standing at the door.
I resigned myself to the couch - feeling overwhelmed with sadness...and perhaps a bit of self-loathing because it didn't seem right returning to normalcy. It didn't seem fair...that while people were LIVING, grandma was DYING...and their aunt's heart and whole world was breaking into pieces.
It reminded me that life REALLY DOES go on with or without you. People will still live...the sun will still come up...and the hands of time will keep moving...with or without you. With or without ME. The living lives on...life goes on.
Dave and I were talking the day about loneliness. How the best times in our lives still taught us a lot about loneliness, because sometimes in a room full of people, we can still feel so distant and completely alone too. Through our experiences, we've both realized the importance of keeping close the few people who still loved you after a big fight, who are fiercely devoted to you, who don't judge you for your weaknesses and honesty, and who, despite the miles and years of being apart, still have the same emotional connection as the last time you saw each other.
I'm content...living in all the moments of life that give me so much pleasure - though it may be boring to others. But it's absolutely okay with me. I'm holding the two loves of my life, Dave and Toccoa, close to my heart...and making the best of what this life has to offer me.
And if God takes me back Home and life keeps moving on without me, I only hope that though people will still be laughing and carrying on, I would have made a difference to at least one person. And will be remembered, honored and loved.
(Originally written 3/19/09)
posted by Pazz at 9:02 AM
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