Drawing a blank

Lately as I sit and wait for a spiritual epiphany, I've just drawn blanks. I hate that! It's almost like I'm not motivated at all. I don't know what's wrong with me. I long so much to be a better me, but there is no inspiration for bettering myself.

I know what it is. It's that I don't make time for anything anymore. I haven't pushed myself into taking things slow and just enjoying the quiet moments of being alone and sensing God's presence. Ugh, I'm so lazy. A lazy christian. A good-for-nothing lazy christian.

Shredding some loneliness

I thought adolescence and my teenage years were hard. I thought it was the biggest challenge in my life when I was still single and longing for a man to love. But it seems the older I get, the harder life gets. The more I start to understand myself, the more I realize I really don’t know anything at all.

Always referring to Rich Mullins’ words of wisdom, why does loneliness have to be a part of our experience in life? Why couldn’t it dissipate with love and joy … but instead in the very same breath of our love and happiness, we still sense that loneliness. It’s almost like in that split second after we laugh, we realize, “This moment is wonderful and I never want it to end. But I know it will, and I know I can’t hold on to it.” And already in that thought, we’re sad for the moment that will pass. We’ve already encountered that lonely feeling in our heart because we know the joy will eventually slip away.

In a poor attempt to cover my emotional losses of that very loneliness, I have relied heavily on being in love to get me through. But even in our most intimate moments and thereafter, I still feel lonely. Because I know that human love could never take the place of the natural brokenness in man’s heart that God instilled in each of us. Because if we loved and enjoyed the world too much, we’d love and enjoy God less. And it almost seems unfair … but then again, how unfair would it be for Him to lose out on His own creation’s praises and adoration?

What am I guilty of? I’m guilty of loving this world and the things in it too much and focusing too little on God.

My heart, it wanders too much!

I use to think about Heaven a lot … and how I couldn’t wait to get there … and when it would be my day to get to that place. My mind use to be focused on heavenly goals, I use to want to be a better Christian, and loving others use to be a lot easier than it is now. I wanted to rid myself of all things that chained me to this world and this life.

Then I fell in love, got married, bought a house, found a job I love with wonderful friends … my brother and sister-in-law gave me the joy of 2 nephews and a niece … I bought a car, purchased a new camera, and traveled to places near and far. I got swallowed up in the hindrances of daily living that I forgot my purpose for living was not for worldly wants or needs, but for something far beyond the reaches of what my mind could ever comprehend. I sought love and approval from those around me and from myself, but I forgot to seek what is pleasing to the Heavenly Father.

But in an instance, I could lose everything and realize too late that the very thing I should have desired most in life was the last thing placed in my heart.

Deceptively clean hands

I washed my hands earlier and what appeared to me to be clean hands was deceptive … drips of brown waters were running down my fingers onto the ceramic sink.

Then I thought, wow, my sins are like those dirty drops of water. How often do we live our daily lives thinking we are at our best as a Christian when we are probably just fooling ourselves into believing it was true so we wouldn’t have to try so hard? Maybe that’s why God brings people into our life to remind us of our imperfect humanity … to purge us of the thoughts that we couldn’t ever do or be wrong … to set our feet back down on solid ground. Guess sometimes we shouldn’t build ourselves up so high either.

My husband asked me the other day what one quality of Christ I desire most … and it’s hard to decide because, well, He was PERFECT and of course I’d want all His qualities. But perhaps what I’d want most at this moment is a compassionate heart to love others. I think sometimes I get so wrapped up in apathy towards people and things around me that it’s a challenge just to muster a fake smile some days. My heart needs a lot of work – can you tell?!

I'm a rotten egg!

I went a week with chipped black fingernail polish on as a result of Halloween; I just had no time to take out polish remover solution, get cotton swabs, sit down and take the black off. No time. But I did it tonight. Sat down to watch, of all movies, a 10-hour long Hallmark special of The Thorn Birds. Mind you, not all ten hours...maybe just about five. And this is the first time I've ever watched a Hallmark special...I'm a nerd, not a bore. No offense to those who love the Hallmark channel. But I realized something while doing my nails...

I've been so swamped with two jobs and photography work on the side lately that I've not had any time to think about God except to think that I need to think more about God. I see God's handiwork in the vibrant foliage every morning, I feel God's breath on me when the cool breezes blow leaves swirling all around me, and I feel His peace hovering over me as I snuggle under the down comforter at night...but I haven't made any time to really think about God. I'm a rotten egg...at least there's eleven better Christians out there to make up for my rottenness.

But I did finally make time to do my nails when I believed I couldn't find any time...perhaps I should probably make time for God as well.

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