Never done learning lessons

Some days, Toccoa really tests my patience. Overall she's a pretty good kid, but geez, sometimes she just knows how to annoy the heck out of me and make me lose it.

Like this morning, it took her 30 minutes to put on a shirt and jeans. She had the socks and underwear already - just a shirt and jeans but that was too much to ask. So I picked her up, pajamas and socks and coatless, and was ready to take her to school that way. Yep, she'd learn a lesson alright. But she screamed loud enough that even at 5:30 a.m., I'm sure it'd wake the neighbors up and possibly a visit from the police.

So I put her down, screamed at her - also loud enough for the neighbors to hear behind closed doors and windows. My patience was this short and thin: -

But the thing about parenthood is that as the adult in the relationship, there is still so much I have to learn. Want to learn? Heck no - I don't want to learn anything from my kid! That would mean I'd have to eat humble pie ... a lot. :) But nevertheless, having and needing to learn, I definitely can always never have enough of.

I've learned to take a deep breath and walk away. I've learned to shut the door on anger and soften my heart. I've learned that it's okay to tell her to stop asking stupid questions and call her on it - because that glint in her eyes tells me she's purposefully testing me - but still be available to answer questions in the same breath. I've learned to bargain when it comes to wearing clothes - because everything I pick is either weird or ugly, and really that's all she has in the closet according to her. She's always about the shoes, so I simply say, "Well, you can pick the shoes or if you pick the shirt, I get to pick the shoes." That always works.

But the best thing I've learned is that forgiveness and hugs are the best under any circumstances. I can yell at her and make her run to her room crying - but in five minutes, she's back to hug me and love me like I'm the greatest thing in the world. I guess in that way, her love for me DOES make me feel like the greatest hot-shot in the world. Even if just in her tiny world.

I wish I had that big a heart for people and the world. I suppose learning never stops as long as there are little people in the world to teach us forgiveness, forgetting and unconditional love.

It's a good thing to be a mom ... and always learning.

I want ...

I stopped "dating" at 14. I thought it was a waste of time and energy. I didn't want to give a piece of my heart away to every guy I'd date until I got married. Yep, the next guy I date would be "the one."

Eventually, the choice led to loneliness. Because the right guy never came along.

I put my trust in God. I really did - I believed He'd bring me someone. Then after 10 yrs of waiting and waiting and fearing it'd never happen ... I finally just asked, "Bring me someone." And eventually with time - at the perfect time - Dave came into my life when we both needed each other. My first and last kiss. :)

So as I trust God to know the desires of my heart back then, I also want him to hear my voice ask, "God, I want this."

Saying Good-bye

Funerals end and begin things. It's more than saying good-bye to the person who left this world. It's saying a brief hello to those you haven't seen in a long time, and something similar to saying a final farewell to them too.

Though death brings everyone together - especially with the death of the elderly - it also means the end of a large family unit.

I've seen my uncle twice in over 10 years - both times were during funerals. It woud've been three times except I couldn't attend my grampa's funeral. But I can't even remember the last time we or they visited just for the heck of it - everyone was always too busy.

Dave's paternal grandmother just passed away. We don't see his dad's side of the family much, because we all live in different places and rarely see each other. But now that the family matriarch has gone, this moment is not just saying good-bye to her but also to the family. I enjoy his dad's side of the family very much, but I also have a feeling that until the next funeral, we'll all keep moving on with life. Days turn to weeks; weeks turn to months; months turn to years; and years turn to long periods of time.

Nevertheless, it's been a pleasure having known Phyllis Hamilton and being part of the Hamilton family for 11 years and more.

One of those days

It's cold out. Grey. The deep reds, yellows, oranges of an overcast autumn day feel depressing. I don't even need the rain to push me into this hole.

The equation is perfect to indulge in a bit of sweet sadness. There's no reason for it - but to give myself a moment to pause and feel. I even popped in a CD that always guarantees I'll be in a melancholy funk because of its melodies.

Okay, okay - maybe there is a reason for it. It's going on a few hours now. I woke up and had a great morning run, but somewhere between then and now, something changed. I'm sure I know the reason - and it's pretty silly ... then again, maybe not - but I'm not going to say. I'm just going to keep pretending I have a good reason to feel this way. To feel sad, to feel slightly angry, to feel a smidge of self-sympathy.

Here's a random thought that added to my emotional funk. It's not THE reason, but sometimes you start thinking too much and believe the lies. I know they're lies, but in this temporary state, I'm allowing the lies to penetrate a bit just to egg my feelings on. Because I like to feel sad. Sometimes.

My mom never told me I was pretty. She even told me when you're not a pretty girl, you should find a handsome man to make up for it.

I get where she's coming from ... Hmong moms have a weird way of imparting wisdom to their children ... and I'm not nor was I ever angry with her about having never told me I'm pretty. But still in the back of my mind - my heart - I'd like some kind of confirmation that I'm more than just mediocre. Throughout life, I've known the thought was a lie, but there's still the damn devil speaking softly in my ear, telling me it's true. And in my moments of weakness, I let myself believe a little.

But like I said, that's not the reason why I'm slipping in a very small, very brief depression. I guess it's been a long time and I just need affirmation - to feel special, loved, mattered.

Well ... the CD switched over and the music has picked up and lunch is near. There is a plastic bag in the tree and now I'm curious if the wind blew it there or a bird left it. I just downed a whole tiny box of Halloween candy - strawberry NERDS - and the moment's passed.

Slowly cranking It

The wheels are in motion. The baby steps are beginning. We’re getting ready to make this crazy life even more unpredictable in a good way.

But as with all things ...

Doors are always opening and closing – so I’ll keep my emotions in check ... but will still celebrate the small successes we find.

And so to Fate, I bid thee hello!

When a broken heart stops breaking

Dave asked me, "If it was anyone else, would it matter?"

I was thinking ... yeah, it'd probably matter if it was anyone else, but because it's THAT person, it doesn't matter. Not anymore. Not for a long time now.

When someone breaks your heart enough and disappoints you over and over and over, there comes a point you have to say "Enough is enough" and put a stop to allowing yourself to care so much it hurts.

I think it's a terrible thing when you stop caring - because with a broken heart, at least it means you still care. But when a broken heart ceases to break, there are no feelings left but a void for the person who broke your heart too many times to count.

I've come to terms with the reality of my reality. And accept that sometimes apologies are empty ... and promises are broken as soon as the words flow from guilty lips and aren't worth much anyway ... which bring a touch of sadness behind my controlled smiles. And I just have to learn to be okay with that.

So for a long moment in a short lifetime, my heart doesn't break anymore over this. It just ... is.

Baby Steps

I am embarking on a new - and crazy - journey.

Sometimes a thought comes into your head, and you just have to jump on it. Okay, okay - after a very little time of thinking. Because we all know too much thinking can cause us to veer toward the chicken exit.

We'll see how it goes. Someday Toccoa will really love me for it - yes, even more than she does now. Or she won't have to know about it if it becomes a total epic failure. That's fine too.

Again, as in a previous post, no expectations. Just taking baby steps - one at a time - toward new twists and turns in the road to see if the road takes us back to what is "normal and comfortable" or on to new adventures.