One of those days
It's cold out. Grey. The deep reds, yellows, oranges of an overcast autumn day feel depressing. I don't even need the rain to push me into this hole.
The equation is perfect to indulge in a bit of sweet sadness. There's no reason for it - but to give myself a moment to pause and feel. I even popped in a CD that always guarantees I'll be in a melancholy funk because of its melodies.
Okay, okay - maybe there is a reason for it. It's going on a few hours now. I woke up and had a great morning run, but somewhere between then and now, something changed. I'm sure I know the reason - and it's pretty silly ... then again, maybe not - but I'm not going to say. I'm just going to keep pretending I have a good reason to feel this way. To feel sad, to feel slightly angry, to feel a smidge of self-sympathy.
Here's a random thought that added to my emotional funk. It's not THE reason, but sometimes you start thinking too much and believe the lies. I know they're lies, but in this temporary state, I'm allowing the lies to penetrate a bit just to egg my feelings on. Because I like to feel sad. Sometimes.
My mom never told me I was pretty. She even told me when you're not a pretty girl, you should find a handsome man to make up for it.
I get where she's coming from ... Hmong moms have a weird way of imparting wisdom to their children ... and I'm not nor was I ever angry with her about having never told me I'm pretty. But still in the back of my mind - my heart - I'd like some kind of confirmation that I'm more than just mediocre. Throughout life, I've known the thought was a lie, but there's still the damn devil speaking softly in my ear, telling me it's true. And in my moments of weakness, I let myself believe a little.
But like I said, that's not the reason why I'm slipping in a very small, very brief depression. I guess it's been a long time and I just need affirmation - to feel special, loved, mattered.
Well ... the CD switched over and the music has picked up and lunch is near. There is a plastic bag in the tree and now I'm curious if the wind blew it there or a bird left it. I just downed a whole tiny box of Halloween candy - strawberry NERDS - and the moment's passed.
The equation is perfect to indulge in a bit of sweet sadness. There's no reason for it - but to give myself a moment to pause and feel. I even popped in a CD that always guarantees I'll be in a melancholy funk because of its melodies.
Okay, okay - maybe there is a reason for it. It's going on a few hours now. I woke up and had a great morning run, but somewhere between then and now, something changed. I'm sure I know the reason - and it's pretty silly ... then again, maybe not - but I'm not going to say. I'm just going to keep pretending I have a good reason to feel this way. To feel sad, to feel slightly angry, to feel a smidge of self-sympathy.
Here's a random thought that added to my emotional funk. It's not THE reason, but sometimes you start thinking too much and believe the lies. I know they're lies, but in this temporary state, I'm allowing the lies to penetrate a bit just to egg my feelings on. Because I like to feel sad. Sometimes.
My mom never told me I was pretty. She even told me when you're not a pretty girl, you should find a handsome man to make up for it.
I get where she's coming from ... Hmong moms have a weird way of imparting wisdom to their children ... and I'm not nor was I ever angry with her about having never told me I'm pretty. But still in the back of my mind - my heart - I'd like some kind of confirmation that I'm more than just mediocre. Throughout life, I've known the thought was a lie, but there's still the damn devil speaking softly in my ear, telling me it's true. And in my moments of weakness, I let myself believe a little.
But like I said, that's not the reason why I'm slipping in a very small, very brief depression. I guess it's been a long time and I just need affirmation - to feel special, loved, mattered.
Well ... the CD switched over and the music has picked up and lunch is near. There is a plastic bag in the tree and now I'm curious if the wind blew it there or a bird left it. I just downed a whole tiny box of Halloween candy - strawberry NERDS - and the moment's passed.
posted by Pazz at 10:20 AM
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